


i'm not dying you're dying stfu

by StayDStray



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Chatting & Messaging, Depression, Fluff and Angst, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Insomnia, Self-Harm, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, THIS SOUNDS DARK BUT ITS NOT, a lot of swearing, also actual writing too not just texting, also not everyone is here in the beginning, but high school sucks so its a struggle, but they'll be in it i promise, i forgot a thing, i mean maybe, i think, idk theyre just teenagers trying to survive high school n stuff, oh and swearing, oh yeah but fluff, okay but the next tag is also serious so, probably
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-10-02
Packaged: 2019-06-25 23:03:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 4,796
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15650742
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/StayDStray/pseuds/StayDStray
Summary: High school sucks, sleep is for the weak (I'm weak), and WHOOPS, I lost Jisung and Hyunjin at the park where the fuck did they go, shit this is stressful, FeLIX WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING STOPor Chan has insomnia and tries to be funny to cover up the fact that he'd rather throw himself down 3 flights of stairs than go to school because FUCK YOU IT'S STRESSFUL (and its both texting and actual writing wow)(also this'll either be really angsty and serious because I'm projecting my stress or it'll just be stupid and humorous so idk watch out for that)





	1. fuck you im not tired im the opposite of tired im UNtired

**Author's Note:**

> k so people so far
> 
> Bang Chan: DEAD INSIDE :D  
> Seo Changbin: Dark (Chocolate)  
> Han Jisung: SQUIRREL

**Bang Chan** has created a group chat

 

 **Bang Chan** has added: **Seo Changbin** to chat

 **Bang Chan** has added: **Han Jisung** to chat

 

 **Bang Chan** has changed: **Bang Chan** 's name to: **DEAD INSIDE :D**

 **DEAD INSIDE :D**  has changed: **Seo Changbin** 's name to: **Dark (Chocolate)**

 **DEAD INSIDE :D**  has changed: **Han Jisung** 's name to: **SQUIRREL**

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D** has changed chat name to: **BLOOD SWEAT AND DEERS**

 

3:39AM

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** what id sleep paralysis is really your mind going to a different dimension and you can't move because your body wasnt made to sustain itself in this other dimension so you just sit there listening to or seeing this dimension and when you wake up thats your mind snapping back to you body in your own dimension wow

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** that would be wild

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** What

 **Dark (Chocolate):** The fuck

 

 **SQURREL:** Chan hyung are you ok

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** He's never okay what are you talking about

 **Dark (Chocolate):** Also who are you

 

 **SQUIRREL:** ummmm?? your a stranger???? i'm not telling you my name???

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** his name is jisung

 

 **SQUIRREL:** Chan no-

 **SQUIRREL:** nvm

 **SQUIRREL:** it's no use trying to reason with sleep deprived Chan

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** But Chan's always sleep deprived

 

 **SQUIRREL:** you right you right

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** um? excuse me??

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** fuck you i'm not tired i'm the opposite of tired im UNtired

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** We didn't say you were tired we just said you were sleep deprived

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** well

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** still

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** Okay but is Jisung like, an online friend of yours?? Because I've been your friend for literally 12 years and I don't know a Jisung

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** oh no i met him in music class

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** at my new school

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** so thats probably why you didny knwo about him

 

 **SQUIRREL:** Channie that was a lot of typos

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** STFU IM TIRED ITS NOT MY FAULT

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** AHA YOU ARE TIRED

 **Dark (Chocolate):** DONT THINK YOU CAN LIE TO ME WITH YOUR BULLSHIT I KNOW YOUR EXHAUSTED

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** oh damn

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** FUCK YOU SLEEP IS FOR THE WEAK

 

 **SQUIRREL:** and your weak

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** Hello my name is Seo Changbin I'd like to tell you to BACK OFF IM THE ONLY ONE ALLOWED TO SAY THAT SHIT TO CHAN HE'S MY BEST FRIEND BACK OFF JISUNG

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** ok woah calm your shit

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** jisungie is right i am weak

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** so BYE BITCHES IM GOING TO SLEEP

 

 **SQUIRREL:** hes going to go watch vine compilations until its time for school isn't he

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** Yes yes he is


	2. like last year?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HAHAHAHHAHA POSTING TWICE IN A DAY ill probably end up posting either all at once or never like it'll be 1 chapter one day and then 6 chapters the next and then i don't post for 2 months, that is literally how my life works

**BLOOD SWEAT AND DEERS**

 

**8:07AM**

**DEAD INSIDE :D:** i regret my existence

 

 **Dark (Chocolate):** GOD DAMMIT CHAN WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS  
**Dark (Chocolate):** DID YOU REALLY STAY UP ALL NIGHT WATCHING VINES

  
**DEAD INSIDE :D:** NO  
**DEAD INSIDE :D:** MAYBE  
**DEAD INSIDE :D:** okay but in my defense they were iconic

 

 **SQUIRREL:** same tho

 **SQUIRREL:** also Chan where the fuck are you school starts in like 15 minutes

 

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** oh

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** im not going to school today

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** i forgot to tell you

 **DEAD INSIDE :D:** sorry

 

 **SQUIRREL:** wait why??

 **SQUIRREL:** Chan?

 **SQUIRREL:** Channie hyung???

 **SQUIRREL:** Changbin?

  
**Dark (Chocolate):** Yeah don't worry I'm on it

 

 

**8:13AM**

 

 **CHANGBEANIE:** Chan you okay?

 

 **BANGAROO:** yea

 **BANGAROO:** i'm fine

 

 **CHANGBEAN:** Channie don't lie

 **CHANGBEAN:** I know somethings wrong

 **CHANGBEAN:** Did something happen at school?

 **CHANGBEAN:** Like last year?

 

 **BANGAROO:** no

 **BANGAROO:** nothing happened

 **BANGAROO:** it's fine

 **BANGAROO:** i'm fine

 **BANGAROO:** i promise nothing like last year happened

 

 **CHANGBEAN:** Okay I believe you

 **CHANGBEAN:** If something happens tell me

 **CHANGBEAN:** I have to go to class now, but I'll come over after school

 **CHANGBEAN:** Love you

 

 **BANGAROO:** love you too

 **BANGAROO:** have a good day at school

 

 

**8:20AM**

 

 **xxx-xxx-xxxx:** He's okay

 **xxx-xxx-xxxx:** Well he says he's okay

 **xxx-xxx-xxxx:** I don't think he is

 

 **Jisung:** yeah me too

 **Jisung:** and this is Changbin right?

 

 **xxx-xxx-xxxx:** Who the fuck else would it be?

 **xxx-xxx-xxxx:** Yes it's Changbin

 

 **Jisung:** okay Mr. Salty Pants i was just asking damn

 

 **Jisung** has changed **xxx-xxx-xxxx** to: **Mr. Salty Pants**

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** That's gonna get real fucking annoying real fucking fast bitch

 

 **Jisung:** okay but you didn't swear this much in the group chat what happened

 **Jisung:** your suddenly agressive

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** Stfu I'm not agressive bitch

 

 **Jisung:** mhm

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** I just don't like swearing this much in front of Chan

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** It sets a bad example for him

 

 **Jisung:** wait but from what Chan tells me he's older than both of us

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** Have you met Chan he's a 5 year old

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** Also CHAN TALKS ABOUT ME AT SCHOOL GOD DAMN HES TOO CUTE FOR HIS OWN GOOD

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** He's my fucking son

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** Hurt him and I'll bash your skull in

 

 **Jisung:** whats this about not being agressive?

 **Jisung:** but honestly same tho

 **Jisung:** he's so sweet

 **Jisung:** I'd literally die for him

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** ANYWAY LATER BITCH I GOT CLASS  
**Mr. Salty Pants:** Oh and I'm going over to Chan's when i get out of school

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** So if you know where he lives

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** You can come over too

 

 **Jisung:** i gotta pick my little brother up from middle school but after that i can come

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants:** Aight later loser

 

 **Mr. Salty Pants** has changed **Jisung** 's name to: **Loser**

 

 **Loser:** bitch that's not even clever

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but lowkey i feel so clever, like bangaroo kangaroo im so fuckin smart also i made jeongin into a smol 13 year old lil bro because this story will need the cute and the sass your welcome


	3. Did you just hit my fucking cat you little bitch?!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> see same day i started this fic and another chapter, dont expect me to actually do this all the time

 

" _Jeonginie! Get in the fucking car!"_ Jisung screeches, hands cupped around his mouth. He watches as Jeongin rolls his eyes and although he can _definitely_ hear the muttered;

"Fucking Christ, Jisung, stop being so annoying."

He'll let it slide because- "Your so cute!!" -he coos at his brother, lunging over the passenger seat to the car's open window and grabbing his cheeks in his hands, and even though Jeongin looks like he's two seconds away from either A) killing him or B) calling the police, he gets in the car anyway. Jisung smiles a heart shaped smile and gleams as he drives out of the school's parking lot, Jeongin rolling his eyes fondly at his stupid older brother - _seriously how is he older than me, he's such a child_ \- he thinks. It's times like this that Jeongin really appreciates having an older sibling because Jisung may be really annoying and he may smother him, but he really loves Jeongin. Jeongin knows that a lot of the time siblings have this weird _I hate you get out of my face_ relationship and he's glad that him and Jisung aren't like that. 

"I'm gonna go over to Channie hyung's today, do you wanna come with me?" Jisung asks, flicking the turn signal on as he checks the road and then makes a left. And Jeongin thinks that's kind of an abrupt question but this is Jisung, he's always like this. So Jeongin says yes and Jisung flashes another smile as he exclaims,

"Great! I'll just text Changbin and tell him I'm bringing you with me." And Jeongin thinks _who's Changbin?_ for a moment before he's scolding; "Don't text and drive hyung, god you'll get in a car crash one day."

Jisung laughs before he hands Jeongin his phone, telling him the contact he needs to text is _Mr. Salty Pants_ - _and_ _what the fuck Jisung why_ \- so he clicks the messaging app and laughs before Jisung whines, "What are you looking at?"

Jeongin giggles quietly and tries to say, "Loser." with the most deadpan face possible. Jisung sits there for a moment before bursting out, _"It wasn't even clever!"_ and Jeongin laughs so hard he cries.

 

 

**this is a line break bc pov change wow so amazing**

 

 

Changbin twists the doorknob, opening the front door of Chan's house and yells an obligatory, "Chan I'm here!" while he tosses his backpack on the couch, wincing when it hits the cat with a startled hiss. "Shit, sorry Riceball," he says sympathetically, walking over to stroke her pale fur. He hears a door slam open and loud stumbling steps through the upstairs hall before he sees Chan's head appear at the top of the stairs banister and he knows he's in for it even before he hears Chan scream, " _Did you just hit my fucking cat you little bitch?!_ " 

"It was an accident!" Changbin screeches, running to the kitchen as Chan bolts down the stairs at inhuman speed, screaming things like: "How could you? She trusted you!" and "First my cat, next it'll be me!"

"You're so dramatic oh my god!" Changbin heaves, out of breath. He turns to see Chan cradling Riceball in his arms, her piercing blue eyes staring smugly at Changbin. "My poor baby, oh my god you poor thing." Chan bemoans, then: "Did you throw your fucking backpack at her?!"

"It was an accident!" Changbin stresses as Chan grabs a spatula and holds it threateningly. Chan glares as he gently places Riceball on the kitchen counter, and Changbin decides it's time to get to what he came here for.

"You doing alright?" He inquires, hopping up onto the counter as he pulls Riceball to sit on his lap. Chan sighs, running a hand through his curly hair, and turns around to open the fridge. "Yeah I'm good." Chan reply's simply. "Are you hungry?" He asks, and Changbin knows that Chan's trying to distract him from asking more questions, but he still says, "Yeah, we should order pizza." and the conversation has gotten stilted and awkward and Changbin inwardly curses himself and his horrible comforting skills cause now Chan isn't gonna say _anything_ and he's just gonna go turtle mode. _God damnit Changbin. This is why nobody goes to you for help._

They both startle as Changbin's phone buzzes, the screen lighting up with a text from _Loser_ and Changbin smiles momentarily as he clicks on the notification to reply.

 

**4:47PM**

 

**Loser:** Um yes hello this is Jeongin

**Loser:** Jisung's younger brother

**Loser:** He's driving rn so he told me to text you and tell you that he's bringing me with to Chan's house

**Loser:** So

**Loser:** Ya

 

**Mr. Salty Pants:** Alright that's totally fine

 

Changbin glances up at Chan before he hits send, just to make sure, and hears, "Oh Jeonginie's coming? Yeah that's okay with me."

 

**Mr. Salty Pants:** Tell Jisung to hurry we're gonna order pizza

 

**Loser:** OH FUCK YEAH I LOVE PIZZA

 

Changbin stares at the reply before laughing, cause damn that sure was a change from shy kid to hungry teenager.

 

**Loser:** Okay I told Jisung

**Loser:** Pretty sure he's breaking the speed limit now

**Loser:** BUT WE'LL BE THERE SOON DON'T EAT THE PIZZA WITHOUT US

 

Changbin rolls his eyes fondly and _g_ _reat more children for me to take care of._

 

"Your such a fucking dad." Chan points out, even though he's literally on the phone with the pizza place. "I am not a dad shut the fuck up!" Chan laughs at his offended expression and Changbin sighs. Well, if he can't comfort he can at least be the parent friend.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> well that was an abrupt ending to that chapter, it was probably really choppy too, so sorry bout that  
> AND YES CUTE JEONGIN HES HERE also lowkey im the worst writer ever so this is probably horrble  
> I KNOW I HAVEN'T GONE INTO WHATS UP WITH CHAN BUT I WILL I PROMISE


	4. pathetic

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ATTENTION!!!! IDK IF THIS COUNTS AS TRIGGERING BUT IT DOES MENTION SELF HARM IN THE END AND EVERYONE IS SELF DEPRECATING!!! SO MAYBE TRIGGER WARNING! BE SAFE WITH YOURSELF

 

"I'm fucking here, bitch, where the fuck is the pizza?!" Jisung bursts through the front door, Jeongin following with a slightly disturbed look on his face.

"I wasn't kidding," he comments when he and Changbin meet eyes, "he literally broke the speed limit to get here. It was a fucking nightmare. I thought I was going to die."

Jisung whines at him, throwing himself down onto the couch next to Riceball. "Did I get here before the pizza??" He groans, shoving a pillow over his head. Chan laughs from his seat on the kitchen counter, throwing a packet of Parmesan cheese at him. "It's over here, dumbass." Jisung bolts upright, startling Riceball into jumping onto Jeongin. "Bitch move, I'm hungry!" Jisung shouts as he shoves Changbin out of the way. Changbin squawks, slightly offended, as Jisung shovels a slice of pizza into his mouth.

"Yeah, nice to meet you too." He scoffs. Jisung looks up at him, cheeks full of food ( _aw wait he kinda looks like a squirrel, what the fuck that's so cute-WAIT NO STOP_ ) as if he's seeing him for the first time since he walked into the house. "Oh. Uh. Hello there." Jisung squeaks, and Changbin hears Jeongin snort in the background. Changbin looks at Jisung again, he has blondish orangish hair, that really shouldn't look nice (he kind of looks like a tangerine) but for some reason it suits him, and he really does look like a squirrel-

"JEONGINIE!!" Chan screeches and Changbin almost fucking screams when he does, what the fuck Chan? Suddenly Chan is scrambling off of the kitchen counter, swishing over to pull Jeongin into a suffocating hug. Jeongin groans as he does, Chan wrapping around him like a koala, "Yup I missed you too hyung," he breathes as he puts his arms around Chan, "Hyung, you're crushing me, crushing me, hyuuuuung!" He whines, heaving in breath dramatically like (Changbin assumes) the little shit he is.

"I haven't seen you in like, 27 years!" Chan exclaims, squishing Jeongin's cheeks in his hands. "Hyung you saw me two days ago." Jeongin deadpans, face unimpressed. Chan's smile dims for a small second, before coming back full extra strong _(why does it look strained hyung what's wrong?_ ) as he shouts: "Let's watch Finding Nemo!" Changbin pauses for a moment, frowning at Chan, before he follows them all as they gather to the couches.

Jeongin and Changbin have gotten acquainted halfway through Finding Nemo, and Changbin pretends he doesn't see the embarrassed flush on Jisung's cheeks when he overhears Jeongin telling Changbin stories of emotional baby Jisung. "He used to cry all the time, I swear, hyung!" He exclaims, eyes wide. " _Oh_ and he used to get mad all the time." The kid complains, and Changbin sees Jisung sink lower into Chan's side. "Jeonginie." He whines in complaint, face bright pink. "I'm not like that anymore!"

Chan snorts, rolling his eyes, "One time you yelled at some kid because you thought he stole your pencil." Jisung pouts, turning away from Chan, saying loudly: " _In my defense_ that was a really stressful day, and I didn't have any more pencils." Jeongin pipes up next to Changbin, "But you still cry a lot, hyung, don't try to deny that." Jisung's way of replying is to chuck a pillow at his face.

By the time the movie is over, Changbin now knows that Jisung and Chan immediately became friends when Chan started the year at his new school, sharing a music class between them had instantly made them click. Changbin also learns that Jisung knows what happened at Chan and Changbin's school last year, because Jeongin fell asleep and Jisung had spoken up quietly while cuddled up to Chan that the three of them should talk.

 

 

By the time Changbin has crawled away from Jeongin, succeeding in his attempt of not waking him up, Chan and Jisung have already gathered to the stairs, waiting for Changbin to catch up with them. The three boys walk up the stairs in silence, the slightly tense air feeling awkward. When they get to Chan's room, Jisung throws himself down onto the bed, scooting all the way to the wall. It dawns on Changbin that Jisung's been through this with Chan before, knows the routine of what he's supposed to do when it gets like this. When Chan can't even try to get up to go to school, when even the smallest of comments set Chan off, when Chan just. Can't.

And for a second Changbin thinks, _Oh. He doesn't need me anymore_. And it's ridiculous that he would even think that, that he's _selfish_ enough to make this about him when Chan's obviously not okay right now, no matter how much he doesn't say it. And for a second Changbin is bitter. Because he's supposed to be helping but he can't, Jisung has only known Chan for a total of 3 months and he's helped him more than Changbin has with all these years. He should be able to help more, he should be better at comforting, but he's awkward and weird and doesn't know how.

His stomach twists in guilt ( ~~ _you keep making this about you, god how self centered are you? You're supposed to be helping Chan not being jealous of Jisung- there's nothing to even be jealous about, Chan is upset stop being like this, god your so selfish_~~ ) as he crawls in next to Chan where he's laying in the middle besides Jisung. He hesitates before he strokes his hand through Chan's curls, noticing Jisung rubbing his thumb over Chan's hand.

"I know I'm being really fucking pathetic," Chan starts, voice empty, and it always scares Changbin when Chan gets like this, he never knows what to do _~~god he's so useless~~._ "And I know I'm being an attention whore." Jisung tightens his grip on Chan's hand, no longer caressing his skin. "But I feel really bad today. I feel stupid, and tired and- and just-worthless. Like I don't matter. Like I'm just annoying you all. Like everything I do is stupid, I'm stupid, I'm so-" he breaks off into a sob, choking on his words. "I'm so stupid! I'm fucking pathetic, all I do is sit here and complain and it's pathetic!" Changbin can hear the self-hatred in his voice, can hear his heart breaking. He doesn't know what to do. He never knows what to do.

So he wraps his arms around Chan and curls up into him, placing his head down on Chan's shoulder. "I love you." He says gently, more gently that he's ever been in his life, because Changbin, he's raspy and rough, and people used to think he was stone cold. That's not- he's not... he's not stone cold. He feels the sobs wracking through Chan's body, feels the vibrations of Jisung's voice comforting Chan _~~that's what you're supposed to be doing that's what you're supposed to be doing USELESS~~_ ~~~~as he buries his head in Chan's back, still whispering soft I love you's.

 

**line break bc pov change**

 

Jisung hears the mantra of Changbin's, the little I love you's he's mumbling out. Jisung hears Chan's sobs and thinks _you don't even know what you're doing, you're not qualified for this._ But he tries, he tries and he starts to say, "It's oka-" before he stops and corrects himself, "It may not be okay now, but it'll get better. It'll get better later, I promise. You gotta believe me on this one. Binnie and I," he nods at Changbin, and barely notices that he's stopped his chant of I love you's, "We're here for you. Jeonginie's here for you too. We can talk to you, and you can talk to us. And you can just sit with us if you don't wanna talk."

Chan's still crying, albeit not as heavily as before, and Jisung continues: "Don't hurt yourself," he whispers in a small voice, hands traveling up the sleeves of Chan's oversized sweater, smooth fingertips lightly grazing inflamed cuts. "Okay? Just don't hurt yourself. I know you can't promise us that you won't," _ ~~he dimly notices that Changbin's arms around Chan have tightened impossibly, Changbin's face contorted in pain and sorrow~~_ "but please try not to hurt yourself."

It's been a few minutes of Chan crying when Jisung startles as he hears Changbin's voice rasp out another "I love you." to Chan, as a tear rolls down Changbin's own face. _~~Nobody comments on it.~~_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> can you tell i wrote this like days apart from each other literally i started a few days ago and then writers block happened
> 
> also i'm literally both chan and changbin in this, i've been in both situations AND IM VENTING SO BE GENTLE WITH ME


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a very big trigger warning  
> I REPEAT VERY BIG TRIGGER WARNING this goes into what happened with Chan and why he switched schools   
> (the flashback italics thing) and there's a lot of shit in here (SUICIDE ATTEMPT, SELF HARM, A LOT OF SELF DEPRECATION) so please be careful with yourself if this will hurt you.  
>  Some of the stuff in this story is literally based off of personal experience, except I haven't attempted suicide- thought about it but I haven't attempted it- and if you're thinking about attempting suicide or you know someone that needs help please call 1-800-273-8255, its a national suicide hotline.   
> I care about all of you. I know what it feels like to not want to do this anymore. Please take care of yourselves guys, I love you

 

_"Shut up!" Changbin snaps, tears running down his cheeks, "Shut up. I can fix this. I can fix this."  His hands shake as he looks around the bathroom, trying to find something, **anything** to stop the bleeding. _

_"I hate myself," Chan wails, clutching onto Changbin's shirt like a lifeline, "I hate myself, I want to die, why can't I just die?"_

_Changbin gasps out a sob, heaves for breath while shaking his head, "Shut up! Don't say that, don not say that! I can fix this okay, I can fix this."_

_He doesn't know what to do, he doesn't know what to do, what is he supposed to do what is he supposed to fucking do?! He knew he should've stayed home with Chan today he knew it **why didn't he stay with him?! Why didn't you stay with him?!**_

_"Chan, Chan I don't know what to do, what do I do? Hyung what do I do?!" He shouts, voice catching in hysteria. There's too much blood, on his hands on the floor, on his clothes, on Chan's wrists- there's too much what the fuck do I do what the **fuck do I do** \- he's holding Chan's wrists, trying to stop all the blood, trying to find something to help- **h** **urry** **the fuck up Changbin hurry up-** _

_"I can fix this!" He chokes, sobs wracking his body as he finally finds a towel to staunch Chan's bleeding. "I can fix this! I can- I can..." Changbin pulls Chan impossibly closer to himself.  
_

_"I can't fix this!" He lets out the strangled scream, eyes gushing tears, and the blood- **Chan's blood** his brain whispers- on his body is hot and burning him, it's **burning** him! _

_"I can't fix this! How do I fix this?! What am I supposed to do?!" Because he called the police **hours** ago (you know it hasn't been hours Changbin you **know** this) and they said they were sending the paramedics as fast as they can but are they? Are they sending them? Maybe they were lying to you, they were lying to you, they were lying, every **one's lying to you Changbin they're lying.**_

_He can't remember when the paramedics got there. He can't remember. He remembers Chan being suddenly taken from his arms and he feels **so dizzy he feels so sick I feel sick someone help me I feel sick I feel sick I feel sickIfeelsickIfeelsick-** he throws up. He has a panic attack. He has blood on his hands. It's Chan's. They take him with them too. They let him hold bloody hands with Chan in the ambulance as they try to keep him alive. He doesn't know how any of these machines work. He doesn't register what's going on. He doesn't realize when they get there.  
_

_He can't remember ( **what the fuck are you, Dory?** ) how he gets to the hospital waiting room. He doesn't know if Chan is still alive. Please be alive._

 

 

_**linebreaksandstuff**_

 

  _Changbin doesn't eat for days after that. Every time he does he feels that awful nausea come back. He stays in his room for a week. He doesn't go to school until his parents drag him there._ _When Chan gets out of the hospital his parents pull him out of the school ( ** ~~Changbin thinks he doesn't have a reason to go anymore now)~~**. They tell Chan that he should have a fresh start. They don't tell anyone they pulled him out. Rumors spread. Someone finds out why he left anyway.  
_

 

 

_**"I heard it's because he was being bullied."** A blonde girl whispers to her friend, grabbing her books from her locker.  
_

 

_Changbin walks through the hall, trying to ignore everyone sparing glances at him, ignoring the shouts of **"Where's your shadow?"**_

 

_" **He was being bullied? Poor thing."** The other responds, pity heavy in her tone._

 

_He keeps his head down, eyes on the floor as he tries to keep the images of his friend out of his mind._

 

**_"Someone said it was because he got kicked for doing_ _drugs-_ "** _He hears someone say in a mischievous tone._

 

_Changbin almost snorts. Chan wouldn't do that, he makes jokes about it but he wouldn't do that._

 

_" **That** **piece of shit? Yeah, as if."**   Someone else scoffs, voice unbelieving,_

 

_His fists clench, and he has to take a deep breath out of his nose. He has to keep walking.  
_

 

**_"I think he fucked a teacher to try to get a better grade!"_** _Some freshman kid exclaims ** ~~(Changbin thinks maybe fourteen year olds need to shut the hell up and stop gossiping, this isn't middle school anymore).~~**_ **~~_  
_ ~~**

 

_Changbin struggles hard to keep the sneer from showing on his face. Chan wouldn't want you to get in any fights, don't.  
_

 

**_"Fucking_ _slut."_ ** _Their older friend says, nose wrinkled in disgust, as he and the freshman walk passed him._

 

_He almost stops, almost turns around and says fuck it, Chan never has to know. But he can't. Chan always knows.  
_

 

 **_"Well I think that that bitch got what was coming to him,"_ ** _He hears someone say, and it's loud, louder than what everyone else said, like he knows Changbin can hear him,like he wants Changbin to hear him._ **_"_ ** **_Bet_ _he slit his wrists and bled out like the suicidal whore he is!"_ **

 

_And-and  
_

 

_"You fucking asshole!" Changbin whirls around, anger blazing through him, to face the person- the boy **(he's a lot bigger than you, if you wanna fight you need to fight hard or this son of a bitch'll crush you),** that made the comment. He's a bit taller than 6", and all Changbin can think is that this dick looks like a fucking snake. An actual fucking snake. A really strong snake that he's prepared to beat the shit out of._

_"What the fuck gives you the right to be spewing out your bullshit?! Huh?!" He shouts, marching up to him, and Changbin doesn't even know this guy's name, but he thinks he might recognize him as part of football team, which, of course. Stereotypes. "Answer me you piece of shit!" He's really yelling now, shouting at this motherfucker. and he's pissed because this guy doesn't even look phased by it._

_"Hm? Sorry I don't speak fag." And oh. Huh. You're gonna really regret that. You're gonna **really** regret that._

_Before Changbin even thinks he's up in snake boy's personal bubble, and before he can blink his fist is smashing into the asshat's surprised face. And then again. And then again. Before he can go in for a fourth hit, he's being wrenched away, shoved back to the ground._

_He looks up and there's two more people now, probably snake boy's friends, towering over him as snake boy himself wipes his nose- Changbin feels a flame of satisfaction as he sees blood dripping from it.  
_

_"Listen up, faggot," snake boy spits, sneer contorting his face as his friends grab a hold of Changbin, "I know that that stupid piece of shit tried to kill himself, I know that he's a fucking suicidal freak! He's batshit insane! A psycho! All these fucking fags, you're all sick in the head!"_

_Everyone in the hallway is staring at them but Changbin can't decipher the looks on their faces yet, because snake boy kicks him in the stomach, knocking the breath out of him as he hunches over. **You should've listened to Chan** , his mind hisses, **now you're gonna get the fucking shit out of you**. _

_Snake boy and his friends get a few more hits in, before a teacher is rushing down the hallway, calling out as he does. Changbin doesn't hear what he says, too busy with being thrown back down on the ground ( ~~ **and his head being slammed so hard onto the floor he hears a crack**~~ ) to understand._

_He goes home that day with a concussion and 2 weeks of detention._

 

_~~Snake boy and friends get let off the hook. Figures.~~ _

 

**_~~Chan's gonna be so disappointed in him.~~ _ **

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i don't have an update schedule for this story, and idk if i'll ever get one so bear (bare? tf is the right word) with me  
> idk i hope you enjoyed this bullshit that i just pulled out of my ass
> 
> it literally starts off so abruptly im sorry if you were confused
> 
> ps its 2:30am and im now going to sleep so peace  
> pps take care of yourself chillens, i love you  
> PPPS HOLY SHIT I ALMOST ACCIDENTALLY DELETED THIS HDGIUADH FUCKING CHRIST


	6. uhh.. not an update... sorry

so. hi. this isnt an update on the story sadly. this story began as a way for me to vent and stuff, and i just havent really been able to write more for it??? idk

but i got meds for my anxiety and depression like a few weeks ago and ive been feeling a lot better so far. still have the shitty fucking days. but i havent done any stupid shit for a month maybe. which is really important for me. i dont wanna hurt myself and i dont wanna make other people sad by hurting myself so im trying my hardest to just keep myself safe.

im also trying to not be a dumbass, which isnt really working out so well, i made a really shitty friend that kinda scares me so at the moment im kinda trying to take care of that

again im really sorry that this isnt an update, i might start up another story if your interested tho, and im sooorryyyyy i really am i promise

**Author's Note:**

> my first fic on this site and I'll probably regret it later but here have it


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